ONCE FOR ALL

I was staring out of the window, through the wall of water that was pouring down from the steel grey sky against the window pane, skimming through my timeless memory. However hard I tried, I couldn’t remember a moment in my ten decades when I felt as hopeless, anxious and spellbound as I did now.

“It grieves me to see you like that, my son.” Carlisle’s thought interrupted the endless stream of my dark musing. I looked up to give him a lifeless smile as he put his hand on my shoulder and squeezed it gently.
“I’m sorry, father. I’ve never meant to bother you.” I hated to see how my selfish behaviour was slowly disintegrating my precious family. What was more, now even Bella wasn’t happy, not to mention my very own self.
“Edward... you do not bother me. It’s the helplessness. Esme and I, we both want you happy and contented. What happened with Jasper –“
“ – What happened with Jasper was just the beginning!” I burst in anger.
“My presence in her life will jeopardize her forever. I don’t want a life in terror for her.” To speak the murderous truth aloud was defeating.
Carlisle pulled his eyebrows together pensively.
“Human life in the vampire world isn’t very safe, indeed. Regardless, there are always some solutions for every situation, don’t you think?”
His kind eyes were trying to give me consolation. I could clearly see what kind of a solution he had in mind. I shook my head in disagreement.
“How could I...?”
“Son,” Carlisle didn’t let me finish. He didn’t need the mind-reading ability to see what I meant.
“I never said it would be an easy decision.”
I growled. “But I have already decided! I’m not going to turn her into a monster!” I realized I almost shouted now. My father didn’t deserve that from me.
“Carlisle, I’m so sorry... It’s just... I can’t stand it anymore. I need a change. Something must happen soon, or I’m going to lose my mind!” My trembling voice was low now, but far from calm. I tried to compose myself, even though I knew I didn’t have to wear a mask in front of him.
Carlisle’s face was sombre now. He took a deep breath while his eyes were roaming in the distance.
“I’m afraid there is no painless solution, son. You may have to make a radical cut to work this out once for all. Are you considering any other options than making her one of us?” His voice vibrated with deep concern.

I was. Both pictures were almost equally appalling; turning her into a blood-lusting killer, or leaving her, never to come back again. I didn’t know how I would exist without her anymore, she was all I cared about, day dreamed about… she inspired me; she made my ice-cold dead heart beat again… Bella made me want to live the eternity. I didn’t know how to live without her now that I knew what it was like to be with her. And yet I would hate to end her life selfishly. I wanted to believe that human pain can be healed with time passing. I so wanted to believe I was making the right choice.
“I....” I lost my breath. An invisible hand was strangling my granite throat, and I struggled to spit the words out.
“I think... if we leave Forks...” my voice broke and I couldn’t give any more words. I didn’t have to; Carlisle fathomed what I had tried to tell him. His face saddened a few more degrees.
“Are you serious about that? I mean, have you really considered this option? She’s what makes you happy, complete. Why should you abandon it?” he wondered incredulously.
A sigh escaped from my dry lips. “Like I said. I can’t stand being a perpetual menace to her life,” I explained with a trembling voice. “If I leave, she can lead a normal life – “
“– can she?” Carlisle chopped in. “She’s not an ordinary girl. And, in fact, I think she loves you more than her own life –“
“– she will get over it. This is not her world. She belongs with someone who can stroll in sunlight with her, someone who breathes and has pulse and can conceive children…” I had to stop. This conversation headed nowhere. It was killing me only to picture the future without her – her future with someone like Mike Newton –, and to pronounce it gave the nightmare real contours.
“You don’t have to go with me if you wish to stay in Forks,” I offered. Carlisle’s head snapped up.
“If you are leaving, the rest of us is, too,” he said with his voice firm.
“Thank you,” I breathed. My family was what I sorely needed.
“All of us can be together again,” Rosalie said, walking into the room. Her facial expression was unreadable, but I could hear what she was thinking. You’re doing the right thing-
“I’m not going to listen to this, Rosalie!” I glowered at her.
“What’s going on?” Carlisle asked, dazed.
“Look,” Rosalie began hurriedly, “personally, she was none of my concern… until my family ended up smashed to pieces.”
At that instant, my phone buzzed in my pocket. I snapped it open to see it was Alice.
“Edward, don’t you dare!!!” she thundered. “I saw what you’re up to! Why don’t you just turn her?” That was too much for me to take. I shut the phone down furiously and switched it off. If vampires could suffer from headache, my head would crack with pain in a moment.
“Let’s. Just. Not. Do. This.” I pronounced through my gritting teeth.
Carlisle finally spoke again. “Let’s not torture you any longer. Please, do what you have to. I’ll handle the rest. We can leave this afternoon. You’ll catch up on us as soon as you’ve… you know.”

Suddenly, I wasn’t sure whether it was such a good idea to be staying with them at the beginning. Of course, I loved and needed them, they were my support, kept me company. Also, my mind-reading ability was very useful for them… But would I stand their compassionate looks now after I have ripped my heart off the chest? Could they stand having me in front of their own eyes broken and sore, day after day, decade after decade? Eventually, I had one more good reason to set off for a nomad journey. Temporarily, at least.

“Father… There is one more thing I have to do… it may take much longer than…” I swallowed and lowered my head. Carlisle looked at me with concentrated expression.
“What is it, Edward?” he asked.
“Victoria.”
The vampire mate of James’s. The one enemy I let loose, the one enemy who would certainly come after Bella sooner or later. The one enemy she made because of me. I owed her that much. The last thing I could do to keep her alive.