HELPLESS

I’d been running for endless hours when I finally forced myself to stop. It was the first time I rested since I had said my farewell in the woods in Forks. I felt like there was a huge hole in the middle of my chest, the hole that had opened its greedy mouth and swallowed my bleeding broken heart to leave me an empty shell.

I lifted my head to see how high the sun already was. It seemed like another sunny day was dawning. I came too close to the populated area, which meant I needed to stay out of the human sight. I walked out of the forest to the sea shore. I loved the autumn sea, its distinctive, chilly smell; the coastline framed with stones and trees whose tops looked as if they were on fire, tints of yellow, red and orange, bleeding into each other. Today, I couldn’t perceive any of the beauty. My eyes were veiled with grief and thus ignored all the splendour as I strolled among the stones. I needed a perfect hideaway; people would come to the beach on a sunny day like that. I took a steep, ironbound path upwards and kept walking until I noticed a slot in a rock on the very top. I advanced toward it in my inhuman pace to find out the slot was actually an eroded cave that perfectly served my purpose. I stepped inside and took a good look around. It was utterly empty. Just like me, I almost smiled wryly. I laid myself down and closed my eyes, just to turn out the sight. I completely stopped breathing and my body became absolutely still. A little while later, something very peculiar happened.

I was surrounded by walls of trees, the grass beneath my body slightly moist and soft. My usually flawless sight was being dazzled by the intense sun rays reaching down to me through the greenwood. I blinked several times and my eyes were slowly acclimatizing. I got up and started turning all the way round to explore the surroundings a bit, when suddenly something – no! someone! – drew my attention. I tried to recognize the figure standing motionlessly across the meadow, but my eyes were still not back to normal. I took a couple of steps forward… and winced. As much incredible as whole the situation had already seemed, this was starting to get really crazy. It was her!

“Bella?” I mouthed, but no sound came out of my throat, as if I were mute.

I reached my hand out, but she kept standing perfectly still. She stared at me with her liquid chocolate eyes that were reflecting anguish of the magnitude that was on the verge of bearing. We stood like that, silently gazing on each other for countless moments, which actually felt like hours, until she slowly turned her back to me and started walking into the woods. I lifted my foot in an effort to follow her, and I found out that my motion was protracted manifold; it was even much slower than the human pace, not to compare it with my usual vampire speed! What kind of a twisted reality was that?

She was gradually retreating while I was trying to catch up – with my ridiculous slow-motion-picture pace. Eventually, she disappeared in the darkness of the wood, and fear embraced my weakened existence; there was something dreadful lurking for her out there, I knew it! She was walking towards her certain death and I was left here helpless. I stopped and listened, but I couldn’t hear anything in this peculiar wood, which only amplified my loneliness and worry… the horror of her death.

My eyes snapped open wide. I was gasping aloud, my head was swimming and my idea of time and space wasn’t much sensible. It took me several minutes to recover from the weird condition. Finally, I was me again. I eyed the place thoroughly and remembered where I was. The cave. I was pondering what could have happened to me. The cave looked very normal. There was nothing inside, apart from me, a couple of cobwebs hanging from the overhead, and a bit of dust and dead leaves. Besides, I didn’t believe in magic. I looked out; surprisingly enough, it was getting dark outside. That weird state of mind must have come from my own mind. How long had I been… what? Unconscious? Not likely. Vampires don’t just black out. I ran out of ideas very quickly. If I were human, I would be able to sleep. If I were able to sleep, I might say it was some kind of a dream state. A nightmare.

And my abilities? I stepped out of the cave and thoughtlessly jumped off the rock. Free fall. I felt no fear. Was it the question of habit or was I becoming suicidal? In half a minute, I landed neatly on my toes. It was relieving to know that my vampire perks were back… That the weird world I tasted that afternoon was not real.

The sun had already set, so I decided to carry on running. Suddenly, my hand spontaneously reached the side pocket where my mobile phone dwelled. I hesitated a little while before I switched it on and found Carlisle’s number in the phone book. He picked it up immediately.

“Edward?” his voice was eager and worried at the same time. I knew my father well; he must have been thinking something was wrong because I phoned.

“Hello Carlisle, yes, it’s me,” I replied politely.

“What’s the matter, son?” he asked impatiently.

I tried my best to explain what had just happened to me. He listened silently without interrupting my story, which made me sure that he was as helpless as me. When I finished, there was a long silence on the phone.

“Carlisle?” I wasn’t sure whether we were still connected.

“I’m sorry, Edward, I’m here, of course. It’s just that I’m thinking hard, considering options. You see, I’m probably the most experienced doctor alive, but vampire anatomy and especially … neurology is absolutely undeveloped, for obvious reasons. What happened to you is very rare, I believe.” He paused again but this time, I didn’t dare ask. I was waiting patiently instead.

“Edward,” Carlisle spoke again, his voice uneasy. “I think it best if you join us. If you are here, I can observe you and see what happens with you when you’re “gone”. Perhaps we could even figure out what the trigger is…” he suggested.

“I don’t think it’s such a good idea, Carlisle... You know I have a mission. But thank you for your effort. I just thought you should know. Perhaps it won’t happen again. It might have been anything…” I tried to calm him down. I shouldn’t have called him. He’ll only be more worried now.

“Well, I’m not going to persuade you to act against your will, son. However, beware; I think your mind might be toying with you for some reason. If it happens again, you should give it second thought. We could take care of Victoria later, the whole family together, when you’re fine again,” Carlisle offered.

On the one hand, I understood he was troubled with my unusual condition and wanted to have me under his surveillance. On the other hand, I wasn’t dead sure if I wanted to be fine again… if not being with her in some kind of a dream at least wasn’t better than not having her at all… even though it was rather a nightmare than a dream. Seeing her standing in the greenwood was almost worth losing my mind!

“Thank you, father. I might reconsider it later. Like I said, perhaps it was the first and the last time it happened. I will keep you informed. I’m heading for Denali now; I want to meet Laurent and see if he can give me some information on Victoria.”

I could hear Carlisle sigh. He knew I’d always been stubborn. I missed him; I missed all of my family. But I couldn’t be with them these days. I was having hard time bearing with myself and I didn’t want to be mean to them, neither did I want to bother them with my issues. I’d already caused them enough trouble and pain.
“Alright, son. Whatever you need, please, just call,” he said kind-heartedly, and I could hear a shadow of sadness in his voice.

“Of course, I will. Give my love to Esme… but please, don’t tell anyone what the real reason I called was,” I begged him. I knew Esme would feel chagrined.

We said our goodbyes and I switched the phone off again to save the battery. If I set off immediately, I’d be in Denali before dawn.